i used to think poker was a game of skill but last night i played for the first time and was the big winner at the table. i’m embarrassed to admit how i came about winning some of the larger pots and you could say i need to work on my poker face – but did i mention i was the big winner.

how come when people site eminem lyrics they don’t quote verses like this from “i’m shady”

i like happy things, i’m really calm and peaceful (uh – huh huh)
i like birds, bees, i like people
i like funny things that make me happy and gleeful (he-he-he)

and before you answer, don’t think i don’t know the next verse.

for two of the past three weeks i’ve been out of the country and while that’s a lot of fun, there is no place like sleeping at home.

when my wife was a teenager and volunteered for charity car washes she was one of the girls on the corner enticing motorists to wash their car. until just now she always thought it was because she had spirit and never realized she was just bait.

the worst thing about keeping the same job is not tasting the joy and freedom of the two week notice.

listening to someone talk about their drinking is the only thing worse than listening to them talk while drinking.

i’d deny it if you asked me, but i’m more than a little uncomfortable with toys that start playing by themselves.

there is an inverse relationship between an individual’s intelligence and the number of items dangling from their rear view mirror.

actual suggestions from an online baby name generator: uldelahal; gbr; hnder; rtce; ffrterar; nddynn; udooph and yntiniam. not the finest moment for software development.

the very first pepsi product i bought this year won me a free song on itunes. maybe i should go get a lottery ticket now.

this pitch from a pan handler almost got me to open my wallet: “i hate to bother you but i’m a homeless person and that’s what the homeless do – they bother people.”