i like drinking from a freshly poured glass of soda and having the carbonation tickle my nose.

i hope our child is gifted because we celebrated his first birthday yesterday and so far we’ve contributed exactly -0- dollars to his college fund.

if i were granted a single wish by the talent fairy i would request the ability to sing.

prime time espn: motocross; prime time espn2: little league girl’s softball; guess the olympics are having some effect on televised sports.

setting: the u.s. women’s sand volley ball team wins gold and all of the sudden there are two bikini clad girls rolling around in the sand
natalie: i bet all the men out there are enjoying this
matthew: yeah, i’m strangely not as entertained as i expected to be

more surprising than just finding someone willing to marry me is that she has stayed with me for two full years. happy anniversary!

rhi · nor · rhea /”rI-n&-’rE-&/ (noun)
: the nasal equivalent of diarrhea

i will actually get sea sick if i catch a reflection of myself walking.

i didn’t really expect to feel middle-aged at thirty-five.

after the guests have gone and only the closest of friends remain comes the part of the party i enjoy most.

while talking about bumper stickers, i can’t decide how you determine “my child is a peacemaker at [insert local school name here]” if it doesn’t just mean your child is gives up their lunch money every day.

a crusty seaman, or even gilligan, will tell you an affectionate name for the little plug just beneath the engine of a powerboat that keeps the ship from sinking to davey jone’s locker is a ‘butt plug’. i’ll give you three guesses to figure out how i now know this too.