my aunt, who happens to be a career counselor, is visiting us this week, coincidentally as i’m interviewing for a new job.

when i left the house yesterday morning headed to an interview wearing khakis and a knit tee-shirt she triggered a flashback to junior high school when my distressed parents would scowl at me with that “you’re going to school dressed like that” stare.

the next time someone touches my computer monitor with their finger i’m going to touch my finger to the center of their coke bottle trifocals.

with so many choices of things to write, yet none of them fit for my children to one day see, i’m really struggling with the high road here…

you never mention having had a good night sleep in our house unless of course you crave animosity or desire to take on all the household chores.

i can’t remember the last time i got such a good deal, but on friday wake stone quarry let me drive off with one and a half tons of rock for only $27.00… i almost troyed and asked if i could pay them more.

you could tell i was still pretty new at the parent gig after i gave a detailed tutorial to a five year old on how to light a lighter.

i have been shocked to discover the number of people who believe its inappropriate for a child to use the word “butt”.

even more surprising is that i’m bothering to keep score on this given that my two and a half year old son says “damn” and tosses around the f-bomb with exactly the right intonation.

in the battle to differentiate his resume from the others in the pile, my friend lists the following achievement/award:

2009 psychic of the year

quoting a recent email i received from a friend:

i kind of thought this was coming since i didn’t think you were that happy
when we visited.

all i did was bitch about [insert almost everyone i know's company name here] the whole time too. the
difference between you and me is you do something about it… i just drink.

maybe, i need to take up drinking because i keep forgetting you’re supposed to find a new job before leaving your previous one… i guess i’ll have to keep practicing til i get it right.

i hope barry bonds took steroids, otherwise there’s a tumor growing in his head and neck that is going to make a horrible mess when it explodes.

my dermatologist told me a story about a guy who got his finger and nose chewed up by a dog and then he scared me with the part about what he had to do to put the nose back together. he ended the saga with, “…but i never believe their stories”.

turns out there is a large correlation between dog bite victims and habitual drug users and the latest craze for pushers to encourage keeping their clients tabs up to date is dog attack.

instant messaging with someone who doesn’t know how to type is infinitely more painful than talking to someone with a speech impediment… and no, i’m not singling you out captain.