i believe that a good half of the people who read this site with any regularity do so only because they are convinced one day i’ll come off the rails and start posting the kinds of things i currently only say out loud.

both twins were crying. one as he defended his innocence the other as he complained of being blamed for something he didn’t do. when the phone rang and she saw it was her sister, the mother of the distraught twins decided to take the call. her sister’s advice, tell the boys they will get a black spot on their heart if they lie. within minutes she got a confessor and a surprise.

her guilty son asked “what about all the other black spots on my heart?”

i wish i had some major life event occurring today so i could mark it 6-6-6. do you think anyone is getting married today?

its a real treat to hear your kids attempt to pronounce words and expressions for the first time, especially if they’re two and a half and make an attempt at “elusive little buggers”.

i wish i were simple enough to believe in my own brilliance so i too could run around with crazy, false confidence like so many others.

i was surprised when she told me she was pregnant. even more surprised when she said she was 44. but i was all out of surprise by the time she got around to telling me she was acting as a surrogate.

she said “i’m buying my way in to heaven”.

i said “by my accounting you’d get in”.