there is snow in the forecast on the eve of the kids winter holiday.

our tree has been decorated and thanks to generous grandparents, presents are spilling out from underneath.

happy holidays to all of you and we’ll see you after the first of the new year.

cheers!

ink – stink – poop – fart – out!

is the modern replacement for

eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe. if he hollers let him go, my mother told me to pick the best one, and you are not it!

so says the 2nd grader up the street.

a few months ago i heard about this crazy tongue eating parasite and thought, that’s the craziest f#?king thing i’ve ever heard…

apparently, steven colbert agreed and he aired the same story on his show in the segment “the craziest f#?king thing i’ve ever heard”.

i’ll save you the wait, this should run in the next installment of the craziest f#?king thing i’ve ever heard.

i had not planned on getting the h1n1 (a.k.a. piggy flu in my house) vaccine.

my rationale for avoiding the vaccine was more spiritual than scientific, predominantly influenced by never having had the flu of any kind that i know of.

then early last week i caught a cold. a head and sinus, someone smashed in my face with a board type of cold.

so feeling a bit more rationale and lot less impervious i trotted off to the health clinic for my piggy flu vaccine thank you very much.

chris rock does a bit “a man is only as faithful as his options”, i wonder if tiger wood’s options have increased or decreased as the number of his “mistresses” has increased?

logan is now telling us that santa claus lives at the north pool.

when natalie asked “does he swim there?”

logan responded “no, he ice skates.”

logan: “dad, how did people kill t-rexes?”

me: “people weren’t around at the same time there were t-rexes, t-rex came and went before there were people.”

logan: “even laura ingalls?”

me: “yes, even before laura ingalls.”

i have a very sordid relationship with christmas. traditionally it hasn’t been a very good time of the year for me.

but my nephew’s play “a charles dicken’s christmas” ended with the message “it is what you make of it”. with that inspiration and a preference for my kids to grow up with more fond memories of the holiday season than not, i feel my heart growing three sizes this day.

“its not that i want to be famous, its just likely that i will be famous.”

- ethan emerson feldt

and you heard it here first.

i walked up to ethan and he announced:

“dad, your ancestors don’t have anything to do with teeth!”

in spite of my best efforts to tease a more descriptive explanation of what he thought my ancestors didn’t do with teeth, he stuck with:

“dad, your ancestors don’t have anything to do with teeth!”

thankfully, logan walked up with the book throw your tooth on the roof, a collection of traditions from around the world on what is done with lost teeth.

apparently in germany, where my ancestors and by the transitive property of ancestry, ethan’s ancestors hail, there is no tradition or ceremony associated with losing a tooth.

and so, in proper german fashion, i went on to explain how it was all these other countries that were quite strange in their handling of lost teeth…

ethan’s elementary school has made notifying them of his absences so difficult that in spite of efforts to let them know in advance we still got a letter expressing their concern that he has three unexcused absences.

instead of providing instruction on how to best notify them of future absences or to clarify that his previous absences had been coordinated with his teacher they threatened us that too many unexcused absences could lead to prosecution.

they must be joking. i knew i hated school, i just didn’t know i was going to hate it even more when i sent my kids there.